GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
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For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
@funTweeters
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money