Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Word!
oppen heimer style lol
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.