Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
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RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
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When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”