Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
You Might Also Like
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here