Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.

Okay this one takes it home

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it

5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.

Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…

Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.

Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]

Here you go!

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”

Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway

“Not that one” I whisper moments too late

Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

never ask a starfish for directions