Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?

Professor: I meant science questions

Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?

“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”

“There are four of us.”

“You heard me.”

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?

I AM the Illuminati.

5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?

Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.

Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Stop being $50 to eat, food.

Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead

ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”

6yo: *sneezes*

Me: Bless you.

6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!

Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”

Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard

-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night