GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
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[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Just parrot things
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow