GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
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Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Think I pulled my liver
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…