Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
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I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Strangers have the best candy.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
The point of your 20s
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…