guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
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When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I had to Stop for this
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.