guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
😾
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life