Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

The battle for ownership of the recliner between me & elder dog is becoming a blood match. Should I all of a sudden stop tweeting just know that I fought bravely.

[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”

George Michael: I hope you like it

me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have

[the very next day]

me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.

[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation