Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
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Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Good morning.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct