Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
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I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans