Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eggs benadryl my favourite

A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.

No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.

I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.

Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine

[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassing

Me: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names

Wife: It’s Amy

Me: Yes I know that now, Amy

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

“I wouldn’t.”

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!

Thursday thoughts from my late father…

“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?

“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”

ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.

Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.

Her: He liked to ride fish?!

It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.