Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

… and be generous with the lollipops

– me holding up a bank

Mike is short for Micycle

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations

“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Good morning

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

How’d you get those bruises?

*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*

Karate.

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

Wife: what are you doing?

Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.

Wife: but she’s only 3.

Me: I need the extra time.

Wife: why?

Me: to catch and train the owl.

Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor

Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?

Me: Yes, I do.

Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?

Me: I’m not sure.

Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!

pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do

Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.

I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.

THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol

MICHELANGELO: what

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

Nobody:

Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.