Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo

me: the heart wants what the heart wants

heart: please stop drin-

me: whiskey it is

I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.

When you don’t understand how floors work

wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.

I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.

centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm

doctor: it’s okay I can fix it

centaur: agh I broke my leg too

doctor: *cocks rifle*

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?

Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.

T:

Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…

Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.

-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.

Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in

Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about

Me: USB sticks

Wife: Oh thank god

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.