[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
You Might Also Like
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Do kids still eat Tide Pods? I forgot to buy candy.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
as is their right
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
No, YOUR illiterate.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.