[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.