[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
