[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
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Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
mood
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
The best shot in the history of golf
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I’ve never undergone actual physical torture but yesterday I was on a Teams call with someone who said “yep, yep” about two dozen times.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.