Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

No one:

London landlords:

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

You say you like to live your life dangerously, but are we talking drinking coffee at night dangerous or bungee jumping off a bridge dangerous?

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.

Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!

I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

jesus christ confetti not now

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today

Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah

Boss: My office please

Me: Ooooh

Boss: Not like that

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.