[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
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me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Well, that didn’t work.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*