[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.