[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
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I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
craving $300 all of a sudden