Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually

BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

My love language is hissing.

My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends

Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.

me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada

I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…

I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue