GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
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In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.