Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?

Me: Rough sex

Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop

Me: Talk to your nurse about that

I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second

Wife: Wanna try bondage?

Me: SURE

Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

new app: may we send you notifications?

me: sure

app: *sends notification*

me: oh hell no

Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit

me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!

boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course

me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”

Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage