Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.

📸: @livinglyfree

#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is

I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

CDC: keep at least 6 feet—

Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager