Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference

ME: oh I thought it said preference

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.

‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paper

and cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliances

forgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.

Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?

Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?

I never understood why chefs wear white.

I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”

Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.

*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second