Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
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Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.