Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber

ME: i’m not sure how to take that

BANK TELLER: exactly

In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.

It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.

Oh no

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD

1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II

2) Smork Dirtbag

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all

What color is math?

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]

Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…