Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
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I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
I need better friends
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples