Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

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It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.


“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly


Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach


11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.


Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?


Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
“Say dada!”
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
*airhorn noise*


*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*


The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.


Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun