@AllyBallyBeal

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

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@findmydolls

It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.

@petfurniture

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

@SortaBad

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

@shashaintl

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@GrowlyGrego

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

@SatansTongue

Aw look he’s about to say his first words!
“Say dada!”
*baby opens mouth*
Here it comes!
*airhorn noise*

@abbycohenwl

*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*

@tinynietzsche

The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.

@bashfulcoward

Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun