On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Had an epiphany today.