*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
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Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.