GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
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Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.