Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: Tweeting.

Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.

Me: *stare*

Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?

😭😭😭

A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.

🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon

The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical

ㅤ

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.

Would you like the feathers too?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel

Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

[during sex]

Me: So do you LIKE like me or

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

Life’s too short to have your shit together.