Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.

I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”

Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.

Inspirational Tweet:

Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.

Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

Lassie, get help!

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS

me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*

her: don’t bite my lip

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.