Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.

Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?

[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]

Me: I have no idea.

My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!

Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.

I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.

What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?

A Mootation

y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?

My support group can outdrink your support group.

Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do

*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*

Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating