Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this

“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour

The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.

You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”

Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?

I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?

My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”

I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails

Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?

So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…

Did Mary have a little lamb?

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.

People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.

ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.