Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.

“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”

The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge

I love the honesty

An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”

With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.

[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”

I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysitting

forgive me

they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

[grocery store]

CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident

ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”

CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…

ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

6yo Me: I can’t do this.

Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.

6yo Me: I cannot do this.

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

feeling cute. might rob a bank later.

Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

new career option?

I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.

It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.