The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
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“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Might get a face tattoo that says: make good choices
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals…..oh wait. This is just walmart
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’