Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

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The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.


*1st date*

“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”

*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*

“Hellooo soulmate”


My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”


Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals…..oh wait. This is just walmart


*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold


*makes Transformer sound effects while I put my makeup on*


‘Your place or mine?’

Is the sexiest response to the question:

‘Where shall we bury the body?’