Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
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if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Interior design 👌
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.