Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously

me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!

GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash

JERY: crypto?

GERGE: crypto

JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!

GERG: I did! but then it dipped again

JERY: it double dipped?

GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?

I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.

My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about

[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!

My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life

i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

God: you have eight legs.

Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?

God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.

Spider:

God:

Spider:

God: also you have eight eyes.

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

Government Shutdown: Day Three

Jellystone Park still closed.

Still no pic-a-nic baskets.

Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…

Boo-Boo looks tasty.

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.