Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: oh, I have a great ide…

wife: no

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14

I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough

Finally, a door that understands me

HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine

I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones

Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas

Him: You’re unbelievable!

Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

genie: what’s your 3rd wish

me: i wish u had amnesia

genie: what’s your 1st wish

I’d like to be alone now please sign out.

*in court*

judge [belches]: pardon

me: thank you!

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME