Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be married, but I’m better now

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

Nice romantic weekend with the husband.

Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.

Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.

Me: Ok goodnight

I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.

Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

[At the coroners’ to identify a body]

Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”

When the stylist spins you back around

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

🍄 Convo at work today:

Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

wife: i wish you’d moan during sex

[later, whilst doing the sex]

me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese

One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.

Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid

Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-

Me: the bottom half

Waiter: very good, sir

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

Me: I’m so excited to be working here. It’s always been my dream.

Willy Wonka: You’ll be on crime scene cleanup.

Me: wtf

“I bumped into your wife yesterday”

“Oh, where?”

“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”

“Yes”

“Opposite that café”

My 12yo stole all the nice socks that I rightfully stole first from my mom.

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”

[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine