Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
You Might Also Like
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Mornin. * use accordingly
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
translated into Canadian
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
They did not think through this water fountain
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*