guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
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“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.