Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dearest Twitter,

Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

What to do when threatened by a bear:

1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.

At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit

My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.

A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.

Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”