Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nobody:

Mime:

Mute person:

Fight club member:

Parrot:

Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no

Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring

ㅤ

[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen

My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”

You mean like NOW?

When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

Bob is my nickname. Robert is my nicholasname

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.

Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.

10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.

Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry

Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?

Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys