Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.

Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.

Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say

friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU

me: OH NO!

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.

you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.