* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
You Might Also Like
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
you stereotypes are all alike
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one