Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

That 👊

her: we should get a labrador

me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what

did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃

Ron is short for Aaronald

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

Beware of the “party goblin”…

Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Simple enough.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.