Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”

I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus

bird to holiday ratio:

thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs

It’s been six months and I still haven’t received the book I ordered: “How to Scam People”.

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable

Traffic stop

Cop: there’s a dead body in the back seat of your car

Me: it was like that when I bought it

me: hey dad will you pass the turkey

dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.

THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!