Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Knock knock

“Who’s there?”

“Dejav”

“Dejav who?”

Knock knock

my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full

me, carrying 8 grocery bags:

I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

*Cleans glasses*

“Omg I have a cat?”

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

“What do you know about atoms?”

“Very little.”

“Besides that.”

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”

My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.

Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.

Love means never having to say you’re sorry.

…so does murder.

Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?

Me: Buy stuff

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues