[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
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I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Calm down ma’am, the only other people that want your man is local Law Enforcement.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Glorious 12/27 to those who celebrate.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion