Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
The rain is falling sideways here right now and the biting wind is freezing. Margo from catering has been staring through the window for the past hour, absolutely transfixed. I should probably unlock the door and let her in.
#StormAshley
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
c’mon!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
