Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Not helping
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
