Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
