Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Me: oh man, I love the 80s

My grandparents: we have names

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

[giving eulogy for coworker]

Gary is on mute forever now.

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

Dune is timeless because its message resonates with everyone who, in order to get the job they want, had to “ride” a “giant worm”

5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!

Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids

boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety

me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?

boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do