Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Was that really necessary?’

~slapped newborns

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

So many chores, so many kids to do them for me

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

My dad: you know how you Love Christmas

12 yo me: yes

My dad: How would you feel about two of them

friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener

me: here, give me your lighter

friend: ok

me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener

Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: Granted

Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*

Roomba: *revving suction noises*

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

A dead goose is called a ghoost

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

The whole “Hugs, Not Drugs” campaign was so stupid because, back when I did drugs, I can assure you, there was so much hugging going on…

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.

Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….

Me: …sweep the leg?

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.