Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
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I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
“Sheer Arrogance”
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.