Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.

Her: I bought a wireless bra today.

Him: What’s the password?

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?

Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*

OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.

my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems

I’d hire this kid in 10 years.

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.

I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.

Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know

Gary 1: You have a fetish for-

*BLAM BLAM BLAM*

Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”

GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can

GENIE: son of a

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.

This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.

Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

men, we mow at sunrise.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind

PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet