Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
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My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
The Others (2001)
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
Why soy sad?
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200