Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

[ first day of engineer school ]

teacher: and what don’t we call them

me: choo choos

teacher: [nodding] choo choos

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*

HIM: I’m sorry about last night.

ME: *takes a bite of an apple*

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

I’m not sorry.

I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.

-me, forgetting your birthday

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.

Then tell the lion.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

Million-dollar idea:

Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

[meeting]

Boss: What do you think?

Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?

Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

Me: So I’ll see you Friday?

Friend: I can’t wait!

Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT

[Pompeii 79 AD]

me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

Welcome to your late 40s from now on you will no longer be in “good health” but in “good health for your age”

Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.