Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.