Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I used to make jokes about sewing but I ran out of material
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]