Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
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She wanted me to impress her in the bedroom so I showed her my organised sock drawer and my fresh matching bedding
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.