Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

🤝

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

[commercial for pants]

*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*

There has to be a better way!

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

*gets on 1 knee*

Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?

Her: Please get off my knee

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?

Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.

My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”

the joy of watching bob’s burgers on Disney+ is slightly diminished knowing Mickey is legally allowed to hunt me for sport because I signed up for the streaming service

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat