guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
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hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
Tastes like chicken.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”