Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.

Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.

One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.

Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?

Wife: Well latel-

Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-

Attorney: Ok, got it

them: where do you see yourself in five years

me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture

“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.

Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list

*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.

A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

You said clothes were 50% off

But not one woman in here is topless

That false advertising!

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

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I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

(Treehouse)

Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*

Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.

Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?

They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…

Will boys ever get pants right!?

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.