Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.

A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear

“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef

I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.

* Psychic Job Fair *

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired

I camp so other people don’t have to.

I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

Passwords are more important than ever.

Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.

Stranger things? You should see Tinder.

[watching the Lord of the Rings]

Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?

Wife: Sauron’s Wife.

Me: but he’s not married lol.

Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?

Me:

Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail

Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.

“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”

– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise

[invention of Moist Towelette]

So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say

Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people