Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
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My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
*calling 911 for the fifth time*
{breathing heavy & whispering} okay, the spider has just reached the ceiling
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.