Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
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Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Kid: I’m starting to think you love your garden more than us.
Me: Wow. That’s. Just wow. I mean… *glances back at plants to make sure they’re not listening*