Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”

Cyclops: Wow

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?

Same. But I’m in a liquor store.

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day

I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

👽

You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.

My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?

Me: Wait til after dinner

Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!

son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult

I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

Wife: “No.”

*takes pants off*

*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*

*takes selfie, sends to wife*

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.