Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
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[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
I picked my nephew up from daycare today, Mind you, he’s biracial but looks like a white kid. They asked him if he knew who I was and why did this man look me dead in my face and say he didn’t know me…
Had them people ready to call the cops on me.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…