Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
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The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Nose
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween