Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
You Might Also Like
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Them: I don’t like you.
Me: