guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
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ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
FUN DENTIST STORY: I had headphones on as I got dental surgery today and I kept turning up the volume to try to drown out the sound of the drilling. Except, fun fact: I was not pushing the volume button. Instead I…CALLED 911.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
congratulations to them
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.