guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
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Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
😂😂😂😂😂😂
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.